Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Genderqueer Pride

I need to share the email I shared with my parents this morning. It's something that would have crushed me years ago, when I was less out to myself, and would have made me argue and be resentful. My parents are very traditional and conventional, from my point of view, and I had a hard time growing up as a post-conventional child in their household. Now I've been through so much self-inquiry in the past years that I can receive a letter like theirs, and feel strong and comfortable replying.


Dear Trix,

I'm very happy to see your new display photo /on Facebook/, but let me have a comment.
1. A woman is attractive if she is feminine (in behavior - gentle)
2. In appearance - specifically: your eyebrows are too strong and too broad for a woman. They are non-esthetical. They look like the eyebrows of the French president De Gaulle or Russian president Brezhnev.
Please don't be like that, because these eyebrows don't suit you at all! I advise you to consult an esthetician. If a woman has eyebrows growing in their own way it's non-esthetical. You would be much prettier and more attractive if you paid any attention to your appearance - and that counts for a lot. Your female acquaintances have probably never said anything to you about it, because they did not want you to resent them, or because they themselves have no idea about their looks. And that counts for a lot. And if your hair is perpetually messy - that's not the best looking.
I suggest you model your appearance on your girlfriends XY and WZ.

I hope you will accept this suggestion in goodwill. Your Dad

PS: After you change your appearance, change your display photo again, and read your friends' pleasant comments.


Dear A /dad/ and B /mom/,

Your letter from this morning is very entertaining. And it's my pleasure to be able to respond to it honestly.

I take the fact that you notice that I don't look feminine in my latest picture, as a great compliment! I noticed the gender ambiguity too, with delight, when I took the picture, and I immediately used it for my profile. Because in my inner nature, I am not a woman, I am an androgynous being, and I feel best when my external appearance reflects how I feel on the inside. I love my big bushy eyebrows and I would never consider thinning them, because they help my androgynous appearance. I don't have acquaintances who don't want to get on my bad side, instead I have friends and we tell each other the truth to our faces. My behavior is gentle when that's necessary, and at the same time I'm confident and determined, which you could call "male" characteristics. It's on purpose that my hair is messy in the picture, because this way, I express my wild and unpredictable nature. The fact that you give me X to model myself on, makes me laugh, because her appearance is a personification of exactly what I don't want to be.

I am proud of my new picture and I admire it. The people who matter in my life accept me exactly the way I am and even love me because of my uniqueness. I'm sorry if my appearance bothers you and you think it's not pretty and non-esthetical. I'm sorry if you think it's impossible that anyone would really like me just the way I am. Have you noticed how content I look in the picture where I don't give a false impression that I'm a woman?




I wish I could post the picture, but I don't want to, because I'm doing this anonymously :)


  1. I really like this. Well done. The tone of your email to your dad is friendly and calm. I'm glad you're confident in expressing how you are and I hope your parents reacted well. Hugs!

  2. Thanks Duncan. My dad said, "Although I don't entirely understand what you are saying, I'm glad you have people in your life who take you as you are. Privately, I do too."

  3. Hi...
    I found your blog while googling something. And I completely loved it! I love the way you have expressed your opinion about stuff like sex, intimacy, relationships, etc. To be honest, I'm a person who feels a lot like you...I don't really consider myself a woman at heart, even though I may look like one. But people look at me in this weird way when I say that. I'm so glad there are others out there who think like me. I may not be asexual but I don't really feel I'm part of this particular gender. And...I'm not ashamed to admit it! :) Loved this post... great work!! :)

  4. Your reply letter is AWESOME!

  5. What a perfect way to handle that!

    I must be spoiled to live in the friendly subculture that I do but was *shocked* at your dad's letter. Of course people will like you the way you really are.