Saturday, July 11, 2009


New word to add to the vocabulary of asexual experience: squish! I get squishes!

I added "squish" to the Urban dictionary: go vote it up so it can rise in the rankings!

Invented in this thread on Aven.

Others have described it beautifully, so I will copy:

I've been trying for a looong, loooong time how to describe the "crushes" I get on people. It was getting frustrating having to say "I got crushes on people, but they weren't really crushes because blah blah, and so blah blah blah......." So I finally decided to just pick a word, and I'm calling them SQUISHES. I just have a desire to talk to the person and be friends with them. I may desire romance for a brief period of time, but then I'll be over it and I'll be glad that desire passed. [...] There's one guy that I have a squish on right now. He's very sexual, so I know a relationship would never work out. And that's fine by me. I don't care if he ends up with a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, because I don't want to be exclusive with him, I don't want to date or have sex with him. I just want to spend some time with him, talking and laughing.

i sort of have that when i am friends with someone but it's sort of a mushy kind of friendship, or when i'm unusually fascinated by someone i've just met, sort of a "i have really got to get to know and be close to this person." but it's just a desire for a deeper friendship, not a relationship.

I used to say I got "friend-crushes", which involve me feeling very impressed by somebody or thinking that we'd get along really well; as a result I really want to be friends with the person. I'm told these feelings are stronger than the feelings most people have for friends. But perhaps now I can call my "friend-crushes" "squishes".

>>>I hate to be the skeptical one here, but what exactly is the difference between this and wanting to be friends with someone?<<<<
There's a big difference. Maybe if you've never felt it, it might be hard to imagine... but it's just like having a crush, only platonically. For me at least (I'm not sure if this goes for everyone), I really look forward to seeing them, I think about them a lot, I have a very high opinion of them, and I really care about their opinion of me. Other friendships develop because you just happen to spend time with the person... but I will go out of my way to spend time with my squishes, and I get super-elated when I get any kind of proof that they like me/want to spend time with me.

The desire to get to know someone can sometimes be a lot more intense for certain people I know, with lots of happy fuzzy feelings associated with it. But it doesn't happen with every person that I'm wanting to get to know better.

I will probably use this. I've had squishes. For me it's the nervous, butterflies in my stomach feelings. Usually I don't want to date them, and sex was never a goal. Using the word squish would avoid all the assumptions people would make if I used the word crush.

You've made me realize that precisely because I do have squishes on them we will never be close friends the way I want us to be. I care about their opinions too much. Which sucks.

Squish is perfect lol I love it, great way to describe it!

To sum up, a squish:
- is an intense feeling of attraction, respect, appreciation and admiration
- is a desire to be close and connected and important to each other
- is not a desire to have sex or be in an exclusive romantic relationship
- gives you a nervous or excited feeling when you're with that person, and you may act kind of silly
- makes you think about them a lot
- gives you disproportionate joy to see that they like or respect you back
- makes you feel delighted that this person exists!

My squishes, in contrast, have often been on people who I did end up becoming close with, and yes, the squish does wear off in the sense that the nervousness and excitement die down, but the intense feelings of affection and appreciation remain. They are all still my squishes. I love being able to use a noun for it.


  1. I would like to has a word like this recognized outside our community. The mere coining of a word distinguishing a squish from a crush is interesting by itself, since it allows self-exploring free from the yoke-concept of love and romance. One cannot use it outside the community and expect being understood, but Cervantes said (thru the mouth of Don Quixote) that new words should be introduced by using them until the masses are used to them.

    In Spanish the thing is worse since there is no word for "crush" (unless extremely vulgar ones) and the concept is expressed by certain usages of the words for "love" or "like". Words are not inoffensive, having a word for "crush" legitimates a midground between liking and being in love. Lacking this word legitimates a qualitative border between plainly liking and being in love. The latter is confirmed by my talks with natively Spanish romantic people.

    So, I would like to have a word for expressing my feelings without questioning my aromantic nature. And it would be useful even for romantic or sexual people.

  2. Wow, this word and concept describes with amazing accuracy how I've felt about certain people in my life. I have to say I've struggled to define, even to myself, my feelings in cases like this, and "squish" captures those feelings better than anything I've seen to date.

    I think that language, to a large extent, defines thought, and I also agree with Isaac's comment that the words we use for intimacy, affection, friendship, and so forth are very good indicators of our attitudes toward those mental states. So I have nothing but support for "squish" entering popular usage. It may help people like me better understand themselves and their feelings, which is a strictly positive outcome.

    I have nothing else to add except to say that the people quoted in the original post have summed up quite well what I've felt for people I've had squishes on!

  3. Thank you for this, Trix.
    You're my #1-out-of-10 favorite Asexual blog(ger).

    Check my blog out, and tell me what you think:

    ~ Raymo

  4. My friends on a non-ace forum were just discussing their squishes!

    It really isn't hard to explain either: "like a crush, except I don't want to date or have sex with them, just to be around them and connected to them and have their approval, even if I've not been around them enough to be really good friends, although I can feel this way about a friend."

    Or, shorter: "Like a crush, except not sexual." (Actually, I think that would be much better for the urban dictionary entry... Especially not saying, "In the asexual community" because it's in EVERYONE'S community.)

  5. Thanks Trix! I love the term squish! (I gave it a thumbs up!) It is soooooo perfect. And I second Raymo- Great blog.


    Sometimes it's kind of hard to explain to someone... how it feels to have an intense more-than-friendship kind of crush, but a completely asexual one. Given the chance you wouldn't want to kiss or touch them, and probably would be fine not even dating them. Squish, perfect.

  7. Wow. "Squishes" describe exactly how I feel about certain people - most recently, I had a REALLY huge squish on an acquaintance who gave really awesome hugs and told me I was pretty. I was less distressed by the fact that he didn't seem interested in me romantically than I was by the fact that I couldn't understand why I wasn't romantically interested in him.

    But this explains it perfectly - I get squishes on extremely talented people, especially. If you're familiar with geek terminology at all, it's like being a fangirl, only it's a real person.

    So...a squish is like...wanting to be BEST friends with the person and wanting to be close to them all the time. And you're description of it dying down is perfect for me as well -after a while, the excitement is just gone, and if I've unwisely gotten into a romantic relationship with them, I'm abruptly reminded that, "Oh, crap. I'm not attracted to this person."

    Hopefully having this word to use, both to my friends and to myself, will help remind me that there is a difference between the heady rush of having a a squish, and actually desiring to be romantically involved with someone.


  8. Psychologically speaking of sex is an important part of a relationship. You said "you are a sexual person and I am sure too. Why not have a good friend? Are you looking for a wife now? Slow down for a minute and think about what you're asking here. If they are "in their sexual" suck for her too, and I will not do that to her either. I have such relationships with women, well, they are called friends. No big deal at all. Sex is really an important part of happy healthy relationships for men and women. You would be doing both a great injustice here by implementing this. Do not feel bad, however, much has happened with this too, you just do not feel sexual attraction and point. You may be attracted by the personality and that's great. Sex is statistically one of the biggest factors in happy marriages, because humans are sexual beings as well. Just to give you a pat on the back for coming to realize that everything looks silver, but nothing in the equation.

  9. I'm not asexual but recently I've been confused about my feelings for my partner's girlfriend (I'm poly) and I've been trying to figure out whether I fancy her or not. I've been thinking, 'it's how I imagine a crush would feel to an asexual person' in that it has the elements of a crush but without the sexual attraction. Squish! For some reason I feel less confused now that I know a word for it :)

  10. Yes. I get these. Thank you for coining the term.